Rwandan Gay Couple Plans to Wed

Patrick Ngyirinshuti 26 and Didier Ndasenga have been in love for five years and are planning to wed very soon as a way of celebrating their commitment and looking forward to living a better life as a couple.

They told IGIHE that they are normal and happily in love as any other ordinary couple. They love each other and want to get married.

They currently cohabit at Kacyiru. Ngyirinshuti works at a restaurant at Kacyiru during the morning’s till 5pm after which he retires home to wait for his lover Ndasenga.

Subject to provision of the Rwandan constitution of 2003, Article 26 states, “Only civil monogamous marriage between a man and a woman is recognised. No person may be married without his or her free consent. Parties to a marriage have equal rights and duties upon and during the subsistence of a marriage and at the time of divorce. The law determines conditions, forms and effect of marriage”.

IGIHE inquired from the couple to recount on their encounter that led to building an intimate relationship in a society with a conservative outlook.

Ngyirinshuti tried to have intimate relationships with ladies whom he had been flirting with. However, he says that while he attempted sexual intercourse with them, he failed to get aroused the same way he does when he is with men. He realized that he was a homosexual.

Though Ngyirinshuti knew he was a homosexual, he was frightened at how people would treat him. He was afraid of stigmatization and physical abuse, which he experienced due to harsh conditions that forced him into prostitution.

“I was 20 when I realized that I was attracted to fellow men. I was forced to live by myself. My family is too conservative. They would not accommodate my lifestyle at home,” he said.

With nothing to support himself he joined prostitution at night clubs such as KBC, Cadillac and many local pubs at Nyamirambo where he claims are many gay people both male and female.

He notes that while in prostitution on the streets he experienced; violence, sympathy from others, but mostly mockery. Ndasenga and Ngyirinshuti met at the pub where Ndasenga works while he was looking for clients. Ndasenga is a bartender at a local pub at Nymirambo.

His dream though is to become a famous fashion designer.

Ndasenga had been attracted to Ngyirinshuti whom he knew would always pass by during evening hours. “I had seen him many times. I was very attracted to him and loved his bold fashion sense but was too shy to approach him. He didn’t seem interested in a relationship, only money, but I wanted to be with him, I wanted him to leave prostitution.”

After a few encounters with each other, Ndasenga took charge and asked Ngyirinshuti out for a date, “After that I stopped selling myself because Ndasenga proposed to me. I had found someone that loves me for who I am. So I was in love”.

The two moved into the same house. Ndasenga helped his partner get a job at the shop he is currently working at. “He is like the husband and I am the wife, but it doesn’t bother me I actually prefer it like this”.

Ndasenga plays the role of the man; he buys Ngyirinshuti clothes, takes him for pedicures, romantic dinners, and pays for his meals. He refers to his lover as “umugore wange” (My Wife). He proposed on one knee in front of all their friends last year on Valentine’s Day at their favorite spot called “Spectra” located in Nyamirambo.

“Ndasenga likes to be in charge of everything, even when it comes to sex” says Ngyirinshuti openly, he adds that they made a promise to each other to stay safe, they always use condoms when having sex, “ I always tell Ngyirinshuti that because of his past encounters we should always be careful.”

They go to clinics every two months for check ups’, “we are very sexually active” admits Ndasenga “I can’t help it because I find Ngyirinshuti very sexually attractive, especially when he wears tight jeans”.

“We have many friends who don’t treat us any different than anyone else, lesbians and gay friends as well and not only in Rwanda, but also in Uganda and Burundi, even those who are straight and they have all agreed to chip in so that me and Ngyirinshuti can have a nice but simple wedding in South Africa,”stated Ndasenga.

Ngyirinshuti and Ndasenga have been together for four years and say they are saving money for the trip to South Africa to get married, right now they have saved up to 1000dollars.“It would have been great if we could get married in Rwanda but we are also realistic” he laughs.

Ngyirinshuti added, “In the beginning, of course, it was very challenging. We experienced what all couples go through, jealously; fear of abandonment. But after Ndasenga proposed I knew he was the one for me for the rest of my life.”

“We kiss in public and don’t care what people would say. “People surrounded us and wanted to bring in the media but I wasn’t threatened”, “Now look am talking to the media anyway so what was I supposed to be afraid of, am gay so what,” Ngyirinshuti said.

They plan to travel to South Africa where they will be just them and two of the witnesses; they will both wear white suits and red ties and get married in a small chapel where they will later stay for their honeymoon. When they return from their honeymoon, Ndasenga will start his lifelong dream of being a fashion designer in Rwanda.