{"id":21592,"date":"2015-12-02T23:59:37","date_gmt":"2015-12-02T23:59:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/what-it-s-like-when-you-can-t-find-joy-in\/"},"modified":"2015-12-02T23:59:25","modified_gmt":"2015-12-02T23:59:25","slug":"what-it-s-like-when-you-can-t-find-joy-in","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/what-it-s-like-when-you-can-t-find-joy-in\/","title":{"rendered":"What It\u2019s Like When You Can\u2019t Find Joy In Anything"},"content":{"rendered":"

{On an average day, I\u2019m a social kind of gal. I have friends. I have activities. I even go out and do activities with my friends. When I say \u201caverage day,\u201d I mean an average day when I\u2019m healthy and happy and not suffering with a bout of bipolar depression. When I\u2019m in the middle of a depressive episode, I\u2019m the opposite of myself. I isolate. I don\u2019t do anything. And I don\u2019t want to do anything. That lack of desire to live a happy life is the worst part of having depression.}<\/p>\n

A unique symptom of bipolar depression is that it generally comes with some periods of mania or hypomania. For me, hypomanic episodes are when I\u2019m myself, only better. I feel better. I think faster. I hang out with my friends more and I\u2019m the life of the party \u2014 or at least I feel like I\u2019m the life of the party because bipolar mania makes you think you\u2019re great.<\/p>\n

After the hypomania is over comes bipolar depression, with feelings on the opposite end of the spectrum. Instead of thinking that I\u2019m great, I think that I\u2019m worthless. I don\u2019t hang out with my friends because I can\u2019t get out of the bed. That\u2019s can\u2019t, not won\u2019t. The depression almost literally chains you down and prevents you from thinking anything good or doing anything good.<\/p>\n

When I\u2019m in the throes of depression, I feel so bad about myself and about life that I basically can\u2019t even remember a time when I liked anything. Activity is good for combating bipolar depression, so my therapist often asks me what I enjoy doing. When I\u2019m very depressed, I can\u2019t answer that question. It\u2019s as though the part of my brain marked \u201cfun\u201d has been erased. Now that I\u2019m well, I know that I like to read, but when I\u2019m depressed, I can\u2019t concentrate long enough to read and understand a sentence, so I forget that I liked it. I know now that I enjoy running, but when I\u2019m depressed I can\u2019t see my way to taking a shower and getting dressed, let alone running a few miles, so I disconnect from the joy I experience during a good run.<\/p>\n

Then there\u2019s the social aspect. Right now, in a healthy state, I know that I have friends and loved ones. But with a depressed mind, I am ashamed and afraid to let them see me in a bad state. I think they won\u2019t like me if I\u2019m having issues. I convince myself that my friends aren\u2019t good friends because they won\u2019t understand what I\u2019m going through and will only reject me. Then, when things get really bad, I stop caring about having people around me because I believe that I\u2019m unworthy of their interest. Not that I\u2019d have the energy to answer their phone calls or go somewhere to meet them anyway.<\/p>\n

Clearly, having bipolar depression is not an enjoyable experience. It makes you think badly of yourself and of everything around you. Depression can make you reject happiness and any means to pursue it. For me, the important part of getting back to enjoyment has been forcing myself to have experiences. The surprise of joy in an unexpected place is often a good enough reminder that I\u2019m still capable of experiencing pleasure. And that\u2019s a good enough experience to make me want to fight for a future full of happiness.<\/p>\n

Tracey Lloyd lives in Harlem, where she fights her cat for access to the keyboard. You can find more of her experiences living with bipolar disorder on her personal blog, My Polar Opposite.<\/p>\n

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SOURCE:MADAME NOIRE:[What It\u2019s Like When You Can\u2019t Find Joy In Anything->http:\/\/madamenoire.com\/600595\/bipolar-depression\/]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

{On an average day, I\u2019m a social kind of gal. I have friends. I have activities. I even go out and do activities with my friends. When I say \u201caverage day,\u201d I mean an average day when I\u2019m healthy and happy and not suffering with a bout of bipolar depression. When I\u2019m in the middle […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":2000070577,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[46],"tags":[75],"byline":[2496],"hashtag":[],"class_list":["post-21592","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-social","tag-homenews","byline-madame-noire"],"bylines":[{"id":2496,"name":"MADAME NOIRE","slug":"madame-noire","description":"","image":{"id":0,"url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/?s=96&d=mm&f=y&r=g","alt":"Default avatar","title":"Default avatar","caption":"","mime_type":"image\/jpeg","sizes":[]},"user_id":null}],"contributors":[{"id":2496,"name":"MADAME NOIRE","slug":"madame-noire","description":"","image":{"id":0,"url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/?s=96&d=mm&f=y&r=g","alt":"Default avatar","title":"Default avatar","caption":"","mime_type":"image\/jpeg","sizes":[]},"user_id":null}],"featured_image":{"id":2000070577,"url":"https:\/\/en-images.igihe.com\/IMG\/logo\/arton21592.jpg","alt":"","caption":"","mime_type":"image\/jpeg","width":0,"height":0,"sizes":{"thumbnail":{"url":"https:\/\/en-images.igihe.com\/IMG\/logo\/arton21592.jpg","width":1,"height":1},"medium":{"url":"https:\/\/en-images.igihe.com\/IMG\/logo\/arton21592.jpg","width":1,"height":1},"medium_large":{"url":"https:\/\/en-images.igihe.com\/IMG\/logo\/arton21592.jpg","width":1,"height":1},"large":{"url":"https:\/\/en-images.igihe.com\/IMG\/logo\/arton21592.jpg","width":1,"height":1},"full":{"url":"https:\/\/en-images.igihe.com\/IMG\/logo\/arton21592.jpg","width":0,"height":0}}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21592","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=21592"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21592\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2000070577"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=21592"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=21592"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=21592"},{"taxonomy":"byline","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/byline?post=21592"},{"taxonomy":"hashtag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/hashtag?post=21592"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}