{"id":54956,"date":"2025-07-21T15:03:54","date_gmt":"2025-07-21T15:03:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/6-lessons-i-ve-learned-in-the-fog-of-grief-after-losing-my-cousin\/"},"modified":"2025-07-20T15:35:21","modified_gmt":"2025-07-20T15:35:21","slug":"6-lessons-i-ve-learned-in-the-fog-of-grief-after-losing-my-cousin","status":"publish","type":"opinion","link":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/opinion\/6-lessons-i-ve-learned-in-the-fog-of-grief-after-losing-my-cousin\/","title":{"rendered":"6 lessons I\u2019ve learned in the fog of grief after losing my cousin"},"content":{"rendered":"

My cousin passed away. She was a mother of five. Using the past tense on her feels unreal. Her absence is loud and unfair in a way that makes words feel useless.<\/p>\n

For days, time seemed to collapse in on itself. I stopped knowing what day it was. What I was supposed to do. What was needed, and where to get it from? For a wedding, you know what to do or who to consult when it comes to the worst, and the days are on your side, but in this case, what do you do? <\/p>\n

And while I\u2019m still floating through it, here\u2019s what I\u2019ve learned and what I wish more people knew about grief:<\/p>\n

{{1. Not everyone who loves you will know how to show up for you
\n}}<\/p>\n

I used to think that when something tragic happened, the people who love you would automatically know how to support you. But the truth is, they don\u2019t. Some disappeared. Some sent vague texts. Others asked if I needed anything, and I just stared at my screen, wondering, Huh? How do I even begin to answer that?<\/p>\n

I learnt that when someone is grieving, don\u2019t ask them what they need. Just do something. Show up. Leave a voice note. Drop off a meal\u2014I’ve noticed I tend to eat my way through grief. Be present. Sometimes, silence speaks louder than words.<\/p>\n

{{2. Grief is not a group project
\n}}<\/p>\n

Even within my own family, we\u2019re all grieving differently. You\u2019d think losing the same person would unite you in the same kind of pain. {Nope. Wapi sha}! <\/p>\n

As much as the five stages of grief\u2014denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance\u2014make sense in books, in real life, it\u2019s a mess. A complete, confused {gatogo}. Some cry. Some clean. Some go silent.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re not going through them in order, or at the same pace, or in the same way.
\nThat\u2019s not dysfunction. That\u2019s grief and it invites to be felt. Observe and give grace. <\/p>\n

{{3. Some people are for a season, others are for the storm.
\n}}<\/p>\n

There are people I thought would show up, but didn\u2019t. And then there are those I barely expected, who texted me every day, sent memes, or simply sat with me in silence.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m learning to let go of the disappointment and hold tight to the ones who stayed, the ones who didn\u2019t need an invitation into my grief. You don\u2019t need a village. You just need a few real ones.<\/p>\n

{{4. Stop saying it\u2019ll get better
\n}}<\/p>\n

It won\u2019t\u2014not in the way I used to think. <\/p>\n

We don\u2019t \u201cmove on\u201d from grief. We move with it. Some days it\u2019s loud. Some days it\u2019s quiet. But it\u2019s always there, reshaping the way we see the world. <\/p>\n

My cousin\u2019s death left a dent in our family\u2019s fabric\u2014a permanent thread of sorrow, one we\u2019ll weave into everything else from now on.<\/p>\n

{{5. Don\u2019t rush the healing
\n}}<\/p>\n

Grief doesn\u2019t work on deadlines. You don\u2019t wake up 30 days later with clarity and closure. You wake up in pieces, and some days, you gather what you can. <\/p>\n

Overall, life goes on, and you don\u2019t have to feel guilty for that. You\u2019ll laugh again. You\u2019ll dance again. <\/p>\n

You\u2019ll scroll social media and feel guilty and weird. Do it anyway, live a life worthy Living doesn\u2019t mean forgetting. And pain doesn\u2019t cancel out joy. They can coexist. That\u2019s what makes us human.<\/p>\n

{{6. Grief isn\u2019t a competition
\n}}<\/p>\n

There\u2019s no gold medal for grieving \u201cbetter.\u201d Not even a participation trophy. We\u2019re not broken\u2014we\u2019re just human. And that\u2019s enough.<\/p>\n

To wrap up, I know it can be hard during these times to hear or read motivational quotes and advice meant to help with the grieving process, but trust me, find your own way of dealing with grief. Find creative ways, energetic ways, therapy, sleep\u2014whatever works for you. Find your way of feeling the pain because grief demands to be felt. You loved, and this is the price of loving them. Make their memories a legacy.<\/p>\n

{Written in the loving memory of my cousin, Nyirabahizi Florence. Forever our Zungu!
\n}<\/p>\n

\"As<\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I wasn\u2019t prepared for the call. I had my to-do list ready and was way behind schedule. Not that any of us ever really are. But some moments hit so deep, you realise you\u2019ve been walking through life with your armour on backwards. This was one of those moments.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":131,"featured_media":2000091241,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[20],"tags":[75],"byline":[3108],"hashtag":[],"class_list":["post-54956","opinion","type-opinion","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-opinions","tag-homenews","byline-josepha-mafubo"],"bylines":[{"id":3108,"name":"Josepha Mafubo","slug":"josepha-mafubo","description":"","image":{"id":0,"url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/?s=96&d=mm&f=y&r=g","alt":"Default avatar","title":"Default avatar","caption":"","mime_type":"image\/jpeg","sizes":[]},"user_id":null}],"contributors":[{"id":3108,"name":"Josepha Mafubo","slug":"josepha-mafubo","description":"","image":{"id":0,"url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/?s=96&d=mm&f=y&r=g","alt":"Default avatar","title":"Default avatar","caption":"","mime_type":"image\/jpeg","sizes":[]},"user_id":null}],"featured_image":{"id":2000091241,"url":"https:\/\/en-images.igihe.com\/IMG\/logo\/grief_resized.jpg","alt":"","caption":"","mime_type":"image\/jpeg","width":0,"height":0,"sizes":{"thumbnail":{"url":"https:\/\/en-images.igihe.com\/IMG\/logo\/grief_resized.jpg","width":1,"height":1},"medium":{"url":"https:\/\/en-images.igihe.com\/IMG\/logo\/grief_resized.jpg","width":1,"height":1},"medium_large":{"url":"https:\/\/en-images.igihe.com\/IMG\/logo\/grief_resized.jpg","width":1,"height":1},"large":{"url":"https:\/\/en-images.igihe.com\/IMG\/logo\/grief_resized.jpg","width":1,"height":1},"full":{"url":"https:\/\/en-images.igihe.com\/IMG\/logo\/grief_resized.jpg","width":0,"height":0}}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/opinion\/54956","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/opinion"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/opinion"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/131"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=54956"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/opinion\/54956\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2000091241"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=54956"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=54956"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=54956"},{"taxonomy":"byline","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/byline?post=54956"},{"taxonomy":"hashtag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/new.igihe.com\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/hashtag?post=54956"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}