Category: Social

You can be as happily married as can be, there will always be some people that you meet throughout your life who catch your attention. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love or value your partner, nor that you have interest in acting upon the attraction you feel towards others. It’s normal and totally human; don’t feel guilty about it. However, it is important to control how you react to it; only a fool will submit to the feeling or let everyone they are attracted to know it and if you do that, you are guaranteed a dysfunctional relationship. Don’t let it become more than just an attraction.

First of all, pretending that you aren’t attracted to others, acting as if your partner is the only man on earth, is unhealthy. Openly discussing your emotions with your partner will eliminate the mystery of that other person, and, in my opinion, deter the pressures of adultery. Therefore, you’ll start to see him or her as just another good-looking person that asked you out while you happened to be with the love of your life.

But realize that this goes both ways. You can’t cringe when your partner starts telling you about someone who walked up to him to flirt.

Equality is key in a relationship.

Always be honest. Honesty is the key to trust. If you physically, mentally or spiritually feel attracted to another person, don’t keep it a secret or lie about it. I mean, of course you wouldn’t go home and say: “Hey babe, I saw this hot guy at work today…” but don’t be secretive about it either. That’s what most likely will get you tempted. We all know that we want what we can’t have, so don’t even put yourself in that position. Just keep it real with yourself and your partner.

Don’t act upon the attraction. I think there’s a fine line between it being okay to feel attracted to someone and it not being okay. The key element here is to always respect your partner, yourself and your relationship. Another person may get the looks you’re giving them but let it stay at that. Don’t be one of those people who go out after just having an argument with their partner and start flirting with the person they’ve been eyeing – only to wake up to one of the biggest mistakes of their lives. That’s the easy and weak way out. If your relationship needs work then focus on that and don’t get distracted by eye-candy; it’s not worth it. Accept compliments. Smile and politely turn down the invitation to a date, remind yourself of your partner home waiting for you.

A lot of the discomfort we feel when we’re attracted to someone else other than our partner comes from the over romanticized notions of love, where the first flush of intoxication translates to “and they both lived happily after…”

It’s simply not realistic. Even putting the topic of this article aside, there is no perfect relationship. Every relationship has it’s ups and down’s, but don’t let that be a downer for the effort you were once willing to put in to make it work. There is nothing more rewarding than getting through the hard times together, pushing through and to still stand strong together – as a team, after all.

SOURCE:MADAME NOIRE:When You’re Married With Children, Is It Cool To Flirt With Someone Other Than Your Spouse?

On an average day, I’m a social kind of gal. I have friends. I have activities. I even go out and do activities with my friends. When I say “average day,” I mean an average day when I’m healthy and happy and not suffering with a bout of bipolar depression. When I’m in the middle of a depressive episode, I’m the opposite of myself. I isolate. I don’t do anything. And I don’t want to do anything. That lack of desire to live a happy life is the worst part of having depression.

A unique symptom of bipolar depression is that it generally comes with some periods of mania or hypomania. For me, hypomanic episodes are when I’m myself, only better. I feel better. I think faster. I hang out with my friends more and I’m the life of the party — or at least I feel like I’m the life of the party because bipolar mania makes you think you’re great.

After the hypomania is over comes bipolar depression, with feelings on the opposite end of the spectrum. Instead of thinking that I’m great, I think that I’m worthless. I don’t hang out with my friends because I can’t get out of the bed. That’s can’t, not won’t. The depression almost literally chains you down and prevents you from thinking anything good or doing anything good.

When I’m in the throes of depression, I feel so bad about myself and about life that I basically can’t even remember a time when I liked anything. Activity is good for combating bipolar depression, so my therapist often asks me what I enjoy doing. When I’m very depressed, I can’t answer that question. It’s as though the part of my brain marked “fun” has been erased. Now that I’m well, I know that I like to read, but when I’m depressed, I can’t concentrate long enough to read and understand a sentence, so I forget that I liked it. I know now that I enjoy running, but when I’m depressed I can’t see my way to taking a shower and getting dressed, let alone running a few miles, so I disconnect from the joy I experience during a good run.

Then there’s the social aspect. Right now, in a healthy state, I know that I have friends and loved ones. But with a depressed mind, I am ashamed and afraid to let them see me in a bad state. I think they won’t like me if I’m having issues. I convince myself that my friends aren’t good friends because they won’t understand what I’m going through and will only reject me. Then, when things get really bad, I stop caring about having people around me because I believe that I’m unworthy of their interest. Not that I’d have the energy to answer their phone calls or go somewhere to meet them anyway.

Clearly, having bipolar depression is not an enjoyable experience. It makes you think badly of yourself and of everything around you. Depression can make you reject happiness and any means to pursue it. For me, the important part of getting back to enjoyment has been forcing myself to have experiences. The surprise of joy in an unexpected place is often a good enough reminder that I’m still capable of experiencing pleasure. And that’s a good enough experience to make me want to fight for a future full of happiness.

Tracey Lloyd lives in Harlem, where she fights her cat for access to the keyboard. You can find more of her experiences living with bipolar disorder on her personal blog, My Polar Opposite.

SOURCE:MADAME NOIRE:What It’s Like When You Can’t Find Joy In Anything

These days, men are even more analytical and try to be more conscious of the kind of woman they marry. So many men remain single for a long time, not because they feel they shouldn’t settle down but because they are scared of getting married.

To a lot of men, there is nothing worse than a bad marriage. Most men have an endless list of the qualities they need in their future wife, but the following are the commonest things most men look for.

1. She isn’t a drama queen

This is one trait many men are scared of and can’t live with. Men tend to look for women they perceive wouldn’t give them many worries. Women who nag and complain too much are a man’s worst nightmare. Most men look out for women they perceive would be trouble-free.

2. You appreciate his financial status

No man wants a woman who’s only there for the money; most men need a woman who would appreciate them irrespective of their financial status. Most men need a woman who would still respect him irrespective of the fact that his bank account isn’t close to the likes of Warren Buffet and Donald Trump.

3. You are trustworthy

Of course, no man needs a whore for a wife. Every man needs a woman he can trust, not the one that would flirt around even after getting married. This quality is non-negotiable; unfaithfulness is a trait most men can’t live with.

4. You give him his respect

Respect, appreciation and making him your priority are what most men would also love in their future wife. Most men want a woman who would give them respect — respect is an important quality to most men; it would make him feel special and would boost his manly ego. Also, if you can make him a priority then that’s another quality that would make him warm up to tying the knots.

5. Smart

A lot of men these days would rather not have a dull woman for a wife. Men want their wives to be smart, intelligent, charismatic and articulate. He knows that such a woman would be respected wherever she goes, and that would also boost his ego.

6. You are supportive

This is another very important quality most men look for in their partner. Every man wants a woman that would support him through thick and thin and not the kind that would bail out on him when it gets tough. Supporting him means you play a crucial role in his life and he values that.

7. You admire him

Every man wants to be admired and desired by their future partner, and many would prefer if they are the only one you see in such vein. 8. IS BEAUTIFUL WITHIN Yes, a good-looking woman would warm a man’s heart, but this isn’t the quality most men need anymore; men love a woman that’s beautiful not only on the outside but in the inside as well.

9. Good wife and mother

When it comes to marriage, men look for women who wouldn’t only be a good wife but a great mother as well. If he perceives that you are a great wife and mother then he wouldn’t hesitate to walk down the aisle with you.

10. A woman he can rely on

Most men look for the kind of women they can rely on. He needs the kind of woman who would give him sound advice, be supportive of his dreams, listen to him, be there for him and solve the difficulties that come with the marriage.

11. Eazy to live with

Every man wants a trouble-free home; no man wants to be in a marriage that would be a war zone. Men need the kind of wife that’s easy to live with and one that isn’t lazy to help with the chores and taking care of the kids. These two attributes are vital to most men. Like I mentioned earlier, the list is endless, but these eleven qualities would make any woman an asset to any man.

Source: Elcrema:11 THINGS MOST MEN LOOK FOR WHEN CHOOSING A WIFE

These truths should be kept close to your heart and be guarded like a treasure because they would help you face the challenges life would throw at you.

Below are 5 truths about life you should know

1. Be nice to your parents

Your parents made so many sacrifices for you so ensure you are always nice to them. You would never fully understand the sacrifices they made for you until you become a parent yourself. Be nice to your parents and learn to respect them.

2. Broken hearts heal

Love is a beautiful thing and we would definitely all fall in love at least once. You’re going to have your heart broken and it’s going to hurt. But no matter how heartbroken you feel, your heart will definitely heal one day.

3. You are unique and beautiful

One truth about life is that you’ll never be tall enough, or short enough, or thin enough. You have to learn to accept your body because you are unique and beautiful. Stop wishing you had a different body because your body is different and beautiful.

4. Better to have a good friend than 20 friends that suck

I know it’s cool to have lots of friends as it shows you are a really social person but it’s better to have just one friend that means the world to you than have 20 friends that suck. It’s super cool to have two good friends rather than walk around wearing a collection of people as accessories.

5. You will never have it all figured out

You’re going to question if you’re living in the right place, or if you’re doing the right job, or if you’re spending your time with the right people and this is because you’ll never have it all figured out. When you feel this way, always remember that it’s ok to feel this way.

SOURCE:ELCREMA:5 TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE YOU SHOULD KNOW

Lack of motivation is one of the greatest obstacles to success and sometimes it could really become really difficult to stay motivated when so much negative vibes seem to be around you. By creating a positive environment for yourself and becoming motivated, you can achieve more than you possibly imagined.

Here are 8 ways to stay motivated in a world full of negative vibes and go beyond your potential

1. Have an attitude of expectancy

Having an attitude of expectancy is needed if you desire to stay motivated in a world full of negative vibes. Every morning you wake up, expect something wonderful and great to happen to you. When you have an attitude of expectancy and expect something wonderful and great to happen to you, it will.

2. Read books

Reading books is another way to stay motivated and this is a habit you need to cultivate. When you read about the success stories of great people and how they achieved their success, it motivates you. This would push you to achieve the impossible. Reading books would also help keep your mind fresh.

3. Have an end goal in mind

When you have an objective you seek to achieve, it helps you stay motivated. So ask yourself what you seek to achieve and seek ways that would help you achieve this goal. Make a list of mini-goals that will help you achieve your goal. Try to achieve each mini-goal daily as completing each mini-goal daily would will keep interest and motivation high.

4. Stop worrying about things not within your control

To stay motivated, you have got to understand the things that are within your control and those not within your control. Refuse to worry about circumstances that are beyond your control. You won’t move quicker to your next victory if you continue to worry about things you can’t control.

5. Look at the bigger picture

Looking at the bigger picture and always focusing on what’s in front of you would help you stay motivated. Try not to let obstacles along the way bring you down but instead find fulfilment in what you do.

6. Celebrate accomplishments

Celebrating your accomplishments is another way to stay motivated. Learn to reward yourself each time you achieve a goal whether small or big. Always take time out to celebrate and it mustn’t be a party. It can be as simple as going out for ice cream.

7. Be around positive people

Being around positive people would help you stay motivated. Speak to people who inspire you whether it’s a mentor or someone you know, like a family member or friend. Being with positive people is also important because negative people and conversations will have you focused on all the wrong things and may take your focus off your goals.

8. Speak positive affirmations

I feel sad seeing people always speaking negative things about themselves. You have to understand that there is power in the tongue so speaking positive affirmations is really important. Regardless of what is going around you and your situation, always speak positively because words have a creative force.

ELCREMA

A wedding marks the start of a lifelong companionship. It is the beginning of the journey to marital bliss.

A reception in the Caribbean or at the sandy beaches in Seychelles might sound like the perfect place to host your dream wedding.

Every one prays for that kind of wedding we only see in movies. But far from the movies, in real life you can have your dream wedding too. Does everyone get to have their dream wedding? Or are some couples taking on more than they can afford?

Richard Byagatonda got married 15 years ago; his wedding was as simple as they come. To him, it was just a ceremony leading to their happily-ever-after so spending a fortune on just one day wasn’t a prudent stride on their part.

“Our wedding cost us only one million francs, we invited a few people, the reception was at our family home, and basically everything was simple. We have been together for 15 years now and we are still going strong,” Byagatonda says.

“When a wedding is only about a fancy party, life after the big day can be tough, especially if you went all out to make it happen. That’s why I think that planning well right from the engagement day, in some way, contributes to a successful marriage,” he adds.

For Lillian Mutaganzwa, her wedding was classy and somewhat expensive. She had the wedding of her dreams because they could afford it.

“My husband and I always wanted to have the wedding of our dreams, one where we could astound our guests and make them happy. We spent over Rwf 8million but it was worth it. We had the time of our lives,” she says.

However, Mutaganzwa says that people should only do what their pockets agree with. “If you have the cash, splash it around on that once-in-a-lifetime moment, but if you can’t afford the luxury, then you need to plan accordingly because there is life waiting after the ceremony,” she says.

It is wonderful to have resources enough to cover every luxurious desire for your wedding day. But unless you just won the lottery, have a high-end job, have saved money from when you were a child, or are related to some oil tycoon, you might want to take some things into consideration.

Paul Bitariho, a young business man, says that the reasonable decision would be to scrap wedding meetings all together since people tend to make budgets expecting friends and family to cover the cost.

“I don’t support people who make unrealistic budgets for weddings they can’t afford. Right now, I have more than five weddings lined up, and of course all of them expect money, this is a problem. You find that one plans to spend like Rwf6million on his wedding but as an individual, he only has Rwf500, 000 and he comfortably expects others to contribute the rest, this is undeniably ludicrous,” Bitariho says.

Bitariho adds that couples should avoid the mentality of ‘spending to impress or ‘be better than so and so’; they should do what makes them happy and most importantly, what they can afford.

He says that ‘portraying’ a rich status at a wedding is of no use if walls will fall in after.

“All a couple needs is real commitment and happiness; this should be the first priority instead of getting champagne fountains to make your wedding the talk of the town.

“Others even plan weddings abroad, now this is another case. It doesn’t help spending your entire savings if, God forbid, all you’ll remain with are photos after a divorce,” Kalisa says.

Kalisa adds, “In my opinion, I think Africans have lost the sense of direction for things that used to matter the most. We tend to follow what’s trending, we want to do what we see in movies and imitate the likes of Denzel Washington and what have you.”

Deborah Umutoni is currently engaged. She says that her budget is within the means that she and her fiancée can afford. She has no plans to hold meetings because to her, that’s close to begging.

“I think my wedding should be a day for my friends and family to join me in celebrating my love. I don’t see why they should contribute money yet it’s my day. A simple place for a reception and later honeymooning at some tiny romantic hotel is cozy enough for me,” Umutoni says.

She adds that couples sometimes complicate matters and go into unnecessary debt like taking loans to meet unrealistic items on their budgets. And to her, “these are just uncalled for expenses.”

“What’s wrong with taking a loan to finance my wedding,” asks part-time architect, Josephine Komukama.

Komukama is of the view that weddings come once, therefore you have to make the day as memorable as you can.

“I only plan to get married once, and I don’t want to compromise my wedding day all in the name of cutting costs. I don’t expect my friends and family to come up with the cost, so it will be best to get a loan and have the wedding of my dreams. Besides, people get loans for less important things,” Komukama says.

32-year-old Daisy Namara does not like the idea of starting a marriage in debt. And she’s not too keen on passing pledge cards around either.

“I have been saving for my wedding day since I got my first job after I left college. I always said that if I didn’t get married, I would have a baby anyway and use the money as a trust fund. However, I am lucky that as we speak, I am engaged.

“My fiancé can’t believe how much money I’ve saved over the years. I plan on having a very simple but very memorable wedding day,” Namara says.

So, unless you’re planning to elope, you’re going to need a lot more than luck to get through your wedding day.

How you decide to finance your wedding will be one of the first important decisions you make as a couple.

Tips to have a dream wedding without breaking the bank

Be flexible about your wedding date. Saturday night is the most popular choice and commands top prices. You can get better pricing for weddings on Thursday, Friday and Sunday. This applies to your food and virtually all other services. Many hotels offer well-priced packages on these less common days.

Limit your guest list. Be realistic and invite those people with whom you have an emotional connection. Don’t invite people out of obligation, because they just might come, out of obligation.

Plan a destination wedding. A combination of celebration and vacation, this is one of the best ways to keep your guest list in check and reserve your budget for the types of activities that create life-long memories. With fewer guests, you will be able to afford a more elegant venue and meal.

Do It Yourself. DIY projects provide a creative outlet and the opportunity to save money. Websites such as DIYbride and A Practical Wedding provide useful DIY tips and projects for brides.

Find creative ways to decorate. Shop flea markets and thrift stores to find vintage items for centerpieces and other décor items. Everything does not have to match, as long as it is within a cohesive theme.

Skip the full bar. A full service bar is expensive. Serve beer and wine instead, or better yet, a signature drink in an elegant martini glass in keeping with your colour.

Shorten the time frame of the cocktail hour. Make it 30 minutes instead, and save on the amount of hors d’oeuvres (appetizers) and drinks served.

Skip the formal dinner. Create a stylish lounge with cocktail tables and lounge furniture; serve elegant hors d’oeuvres instead of the traditional dinner.

Rent your bridal attire. There are bridal shops that offer an extensive collection of wedding gowns for rent, from budget-friendly dresses to couture gowns.

The New Times

After being in a relationship for a long time, it’s so easy to take things for granted in our relationship and men are guiltier of doing this.

It’s really important every man do these things daily in his relationship if he really loves his woman.

Below are 5 things every man should do daily for the woman he loves

1. Call her from work

Taking time from your busy schedule to check on her is something every man should aim to do daily. Calling with the purpose of telling her you love her is a good way of letting her know that even though you are busy at work, she’s still in your thoughts. Every woman would appreciate this gesture.

2. Special treatment daily

When we hear this as men, our heart tends to skip because what crosses our mind is spending money taking her to the spa. That’s not the only way you can pamper her. Show your lady she deserves special treatment daily by helping her with house chores, giving her a massage and stuffs like that. She would definitely feel appreciated.

3. Kiss her

When was the last time you gave her a kiss? For most men, they only kiss their woman when it’s time for sex and this is really wrong. Ensure you kiss her every day as kissing make couples feel closer. Ensure you don’t underestimate the power of a kiss; kiss her daily.

4. Have a conversation with her

Sometimes we get so distracted by the TV or playing PlayStation that we forget that special woman in our life needs our attention. Ensure you reinvest in your relationship daily by having a conversation with her. Find out how she spent her day and you would be amazed at how excited she would be seeing you listen to her. Every woman wants to have a conversation with a man daily so ensure you give her that.

5. Do something that shows you love and adore her

You shouldn’t wait until it’s her birthday or Valentine’s Day before you show her you love and adore her. She wants to feel loved and adored daily and you can do that by dropping love notes, giving her a gift, helping out with the dishes, cooking dinner for her and also appreciating the little things she does daily to keep the relationship going.

ELCREMA

Many are of the mindset that the child support system greatly favors mothers. The truth is the system exists to benefit children, but because most of those children are in the custody of their mothers, that’s who gets the check. The problem a lot of people see with that — mostly fathers required to pay money each month– is there’s no checks and balances to make sure those checks are actually being spent on the child.

It’s a fair concern, particularly in the realm of the rich and famous, where women reap hundreds of thousands of dollars in child support annually. While we know it’s not cheap to raise a kid (the latest estimate says it costs $245K), we also know it doesn’t cost a million dollars either so some of that overflow of funds most definitely benefits the mother. But when you think of everyday couples who are not a part of the begrudged 1%, a policy requiring proof child support checks are spent on the child’s necessities and not their own wants sounds like more paperwork than it’s worth.

MADAME NOIRE

It’s normal to feel bad about losing someone you’ve cherished and gotten used to after a while, especially if they are the one who just upped and decided to leave your life– in fact, the feeling can be devastating, but then, it is said that there’s always a positive in every situation, no matter how bad it may appear to be.

People tend to see only the devastation in a bad break up, but forget to see that it actually may be a blessing in disguise; an opportunity to experience newer and better things, that probably wouldn’t have come had it not happened.
Now, take a lot at the many reasons why a break up may not be bad after all.

1. It provides you with an opportunity to reevaluate and rediscover yourself

Sometimes, we just don’t know what we really want and tend to go after the wrong thing until we’re hit with some sort of reality check. Being in the wrong relationship can make you forget your real priorities and goals in life (especially, if the person doesn’t encourage and motivate you in any way), and until you snap out of it, you may never find fulfilment. In a situation like this, a break up may be the perfect catalyst for self – rediscovery. It will offer you an opportunity to sit down and think about those things that really set your soul on fire and pursue them.

2. You learn to be a better lover

No single person is perfect. With each passing experience (good or bad), you pick up one or two lessons, and learn to handle things better in future. Your once ‘good’ relationship may have come to an abrupt end, but you can take solace in the fact that you now know your wrongs, and should you ever be in another relationship, you would know how to avoid the same mistakes that cost you the former.

3. It provides you with an opportunity to mingle and meet new people… maybe someone even better

When you’re in a serious (exclusive) relationship, it’s sometimes difficult to go out with friends to have fun and meet new people because you always want to be there for your partner, just to make them happy, but once you break up from the relationship, it’s a whole different story. You become free to go out, hang out with your friends and meet new people, and who knows? You may even get to meet your real soul mate.

4. It’ll help you make a better choice of your future partner

The reason why a lot of relationships go sour in the first place is because too many people tend to fall for the wrong persons. Most of us just care about companionship and sex, that we tend to accept just any one that comes our way, and fail to thoroughly assess them.

A bad breakup, however, would help us realize the importance of this first rule of dating, so that in future before we go into another relationship, we’d first of all, set our relationship goals right, and look for the kind of partner that fits into those plans, in order to achieve the desired outcome.

Do not forget, a bad breakup is not the end of the world. It’s just a temporary situation that is meant to make you better. So do not sit and sulk, just take the positives from it, get up, and keep going.

ELCREMA

Most times, it’s how we handle conflicts and issues that come with relationships that would go a long way in deciding how successful or unsuccessful the relationship would turn out.

Love sometimes isn’t enough; I’ve seen couples who deeply love each other, but don’t know how to live peacefully with each other. Relationships like these always have the case of breakup today and makeup the next.

In the long run, the inability to handle relationship conflicts would definitely ruin your relationship.

With these eight tips, you would handle conflicts in your relationship much better.

1. Handle your emotions first

The ability to handle relationship conflicts starts from within. Everyone have varying levels of emotions like anger, and an emotion such as this would make you unable to handle your relationship issues.

So, deal with your personal demons first and foremost; learn how to calm yourself when angry and you are halfway there.

2. Put away contempt and undue criticism

Besides anger, contempt is another thing that makes couples unable to resolve issues — and contempt would end up worsening the feeling of anger.

Contempt include acts like disrespecting your partner, being insulting, acting superior, harshly criticising them, and even ridiculing your partner. Many people are fond of these during arguments; put away such acts and your relationship would be better of.

3. Learn to accept your partner’s values

Couples fight over issues mostly because they have different values and methods of achieving what they want, and inability to recognise this would heighten tensions in the relationship.

Try to understand your partner’s response even if you don’t agree with them. Understanding their point of view would definitely make things easier; there wouldn’t be an agreement at this point, but there also wouldn’t be a fight and that’s a step in the right direction.

4. Learn to listen

This is another issue that conflicting couples seem to have. For the previous tip to be duly applied, couples should learn to listen to each other — you would never fully understand your partner’s point of view if you don’t listen.

5. Don’t see it as a situation you must win

Another reason couples can’t resolve issues peacefully is because they most likely see it as a case they must win. Your relationship shouldn’t be treated like a case in the court of law; when you see things like that then your relationship suffers. When you treat your relationship in a way that you must win then you are only digging the grave of your relationship without knowing.

6. Patience

Patience is an important virtue and it’s one that’s highly important in relationships. Without patience then every other tip would be hard to practice during conflicts.

7. Learn to compromise

Compromise is like finding a middle ground. Finding this middle ground would make both partners feel safe and respected. If you’ve tried to win over your partner and it didn’t then you shouldn’t force it — be ready to compromise.

8. Live it in the past and makeup

Making up is one important part that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Inability to do this would make grudges and probably hatred grow gradually — and this isn’t healthy for your relationship.

Now that you’ve learnt how to handle conflicts, put it to practice and watch your relationship grow stronger and stronger, because the inability to handle these conflicts can even turn love to hate if care isn’t taken.

Now that you’ve learnt how to handle conflicts, put it to practice and watch your relationship grow stronger and stronger, because the inability to handle these conflicts can even turn love to hate if care isn’t taken.

ELCREMA