Category: Social

But since we are starting a new year and making goals for our careers, health and wealth, why not do the same for our relationships?

Setting relationship goals for the new year will help you focus on what you want to achieve as an individual and as a couple or family. And by making room for growth, you are ensuring that your relationships will continue to thrive and grow.

To do this, grab a piece of paper and a pencil, and list goals for all your relationships.

Under each one, write down what you would like the relationship to look like in the new year.

Be specific with your goals, you cannot write that you need to get better, write the ways in which you want to see a change.

Maybe you wish to spend more time with your partner, create boundaries with your family or start a tradition of having dinner with your children every night.

Once you have all your goals written down, it is time to plan how to achieve them.

{{Achieving your dream relationship}}

There are steps that we take to get to our desired destination, and for your dream relationship, these might help:

– Be intentional: For instance, if you want more quality time with friends and family, make an action plan with a timeline. It can be sharing lunch on your break with loved ones for 30 minutes each week.

This will keep you accountable and help you create a routine with your loved one.

– Create reasonable expectations. Avoid making rash promises or being too harsh on yourself. It’s critical to recognize and respect the boundaries that each of us has.

We make plans to hang out with friends or relatives we haven’t seen in a while, only for reality to set in and remind us that we have work, a christening, a wedding, or other obligations on the day we planned to spend time with them.

It leads to arguments and accusations of lying, which makes us feel inadequate and causes self-loathing.

You should also be aware of the people you spend time with, making sure they are comfortable because some people want to connect with others as little as possible.

– Be adaptable in how you achieve your objectives; if something doesn’t work out as you go, change it.

If your spouse has been working more than normal and it has been preventing you from having your regular lunch dates, do not let this start an argument; instead, modify your approach.

As we grow, our duties rise as well, so if lunch doesn’t work, try supper or a quick coffee break with them or wait until the weekend.

– Be adaptable to your approach to achieving your objectives; if anything changes along the way and ceases to be effective for you, make the necessary adjustments!

If you believe you are the only one putting in effort or are not acknowledged as you should be, speak out. If nothing changes, make modifications that suit your needs.

– Acknowledge success from the little things, such as a daily text from a loved one, to voluntarily spend more time with your family without waiting for Christmas or Thanksgiving.

– At any point in the relationship if the cracks become holes, meaning what you thought was playful banter turns into mean words, then arguments.

If you start to realize that the relationship has become toxic, then it is best to find a relationship counselor if you wish to continue.

Relationships need more time and work since they are considerably more intricate.

The most important thing to remember is that the relationship goals are tailored for you and your partner. While some goals may be similar for all couples, others will be unique to your relationship.

What matters most is that you and your partner are on the same page and working towards the same goals. If you can do that, you are well on your way to a successful relationship.

Happy New Year!

Most of our parents never thought of it like that but today with all the mental health discoveries showing that your relationship with your parents affects who you grow up to be and how you will treat your own children. Maybe before bringing life into this world, bring life in you first.

Before you say that it is not necessary, let us look at the story of one of my friends with their permission of course.

Ali’s parents married at a young age. Her mother did not get to be raised by her own mother and met her father right before Ali’s mother and father met.

Despite the young age, not knowing each other well or even taking time to compare backgrounds to see if they should work on themselves first, they chose to get married and had Ali and her siblings which started a whole other cycle of hurt people and things have not gotten better for either the parents or the children.

Some Africans still do not believe in therapy but Ali and her siblings made it crucial to first heal from their parents’ hurt before even getting married.

You may say that it is not a big deal but growing up with distant parents can have several effects on you even when you do not think about it.

Do you fear rejection or someone leaving you? Is your anger on the high end? Have you realized that you cannot connect with anyone emotionally?

Or have a hard time being vulnerable? Those are just some of the things that result from parents that did not engage with you as a child, who never met your emotional needs, or who did not support you in the little things.

It was not their fault either, they did what they thought was best, but it was not enough due to their own brokenness.

Now that you know better and in an era where it is more acceptable to seek help and heal your inner child by trained professionals like counselors, do not waste it.

Start working on yourself and break the hurt cycle.

The excitement I have every time it is December, the anticipation of Christmas, even before all this, I am my happiest every thanksgiving.

I have long realized that it has a relation with the Christmas movies I would watch as a child, the romance, the atmosphere, the family gatherings, the Christmas mornings with everyone around the tree being happy in the moment.

This is of course from a person who grew up in the early 2000s with everything being romanticized, broke but romantic, I accepted a few things as reality.

A lot of Barbie stories, Ken and a lot of prince charming, a lot of stories on how the guy would come to the rescue.

It was until later on that I was introduced to movies with storylines that let the girl be her own hero.

From my movie, cartoon and music, I have life expectations that are based on these which in hindsight are not exactly good.

All the romance, the dam in distress, reuniting with your lost family that comes and saves you from the family you are with because they ‘mistreat’ you, and more like these had an effect on how I see life sometimes and it took me a while until I realized that I was looking at my life in this way.

No matter how perfect my parents were, anytime we would disagree or I
would feel mistreated, my go-to solution was to run-away or hope for my ‘long lost’ family to find me and take me away.

This at the moment seems ridiculous but 7 years of watching runaways being the solution, it was very acceptable in my mind to think of this.

Growing up with all the male heroes having to be taller than the girl, why is it any surprise that women still fantasize about a guy who is taller?

Why would it be a shock that a young girl who is taller than most would feel bad about her height if she is the same height or taller than the guy she likes?

If an actor in a movie is placed on higher grounds so he can be taller than the actress, why are we still blaming girls for choosing height over most attributes?

It is unfortunate that because of these scenes that have played in our heads for so long, we forget to live in the moment, experience the already formed relationships, appreciate the people and the different circumstances that help one grow.

Back then, most movies revolved around children running away from their parents because they mistreated them and found better people along the way that allowed them to be themselves.

However, now most movies seemingly revolve around a world of children explaining their issues with their parents and parents asking for forgiveness, which in theory seems a lot easier than in real life unless it is sarcastic but at least we can dream and act it out.

Life does not give you a map or request for your permission before it happens. You make a plan all in the name of hope but even with hard work and connections, life will find a way to remind you that like my aunt likes to say, “this is not your father’s house.”

Think of it as that time where you are trying to find that t-shirt that you had planned to wear and even knowing where it is, you somehow can’t find it.

Time for a choice, do you start throwing clothes around to find it or do you simply pick another t-shirt?

It can be as hard as having your graduation delayed or watching the age you thought you’d get married at pass by.

Learning to be okay with this and continue to work for what you want even when it is delayed or not working out immediately is what complicates adulthood.

One of the things that influenced me to cultivate patience, is the realization that my tantrums that would were forgiven when I was a child, but cannot be overlooked now as an adult.

Realization that currently a lot of people are reading self-help books, listening to podcasts and tuning in to anything that influences their growth and this is a positive thing but it also makes people less tolerating behaviour that comes as a result of impatience.

Being controlling and having a short fuse will not be excused. A person with little or no patience will see interjecting as a time saver not impoliteness. All this is not acceptable because everyone is expected to be working on themselves.

This will cause a strain in your relationships, even loss of those relationships that you might have considered to be important because you seem to choose time over your loved ones or because they are overwhelmed with the standard you hold them at.

There are many reasons why impatience is a bad trait. It does however deserve credit at least for some things.

People wait for no one to do their tasks for them, and when they put their mind to something, they do not rest until it is complete and they most of the time succeed.

Growing up includes relationships, school, friendship and work, all which require you to have patience.

We all look for patience in partners. So, it is time that we learn to be patient ourselves.

If you are too impatient, it could build up anxiety. It would be best to reach out to a therapist to talk about it and become a better version of yourself.

It is not the easiest thing to do. It requires each person to look within themselves to understand what they want to accomplish for the new year.

The excitement of writing it down, however, can turn into anxiety as soon as you see your deepest darkest secrets staring at you on paper as you set to face them for the year.

If you research how to make a resolution list, you will mostly find the SMART rule applies that is Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time-conscious, but that is easier said than done.

So, as you set your resolution for the next year, try these tips and see.

{{1. Choose the right one:}} Taking on achievable and meaningful goals is a sure way to ensure that you will succeed. You can base it on how the year went compared to previous years passed and identify what worked, failed, or needs to be polished.

{{2. Clarity matters:}} Vagueness can ruin the right goal, so it is better to be as specific as possible. If you are an introvert setting a resolution to socialize at least more often, writing it like that may not be as effective. Instead, write, “socialize at least once a week, every week.”, which will be more effective.

{{3. Check progress: }} When the improvement of the goal is not measured, it can cause discouragement or even neglect. If the goal is to brainstorm ideas, ensure to track how that is going. For example, have a friend you would meet regularly to discuss your progress.

{{4. One step at a time:}} You can only juggle a limited number of changes and progress fully till others will not get enough focus which is why it is better to focus your energy on specific goals at a go. Before changing your whole life upside down, try changing particular areas of your life to tackle first, and when they are complete, you can move on to the next.

{{5. Do it for you:}} The resolutions you decide to begin with should be for the right reasons, not to please others or fit in with the trends, but for you. It should not be out of self-hate that you want to lose weight, sudden passion, or remorse because those are not long-lasting reasons. These goals need to be from a place wanting what is good for you.

In all this, celebrate the small wins and be kind to yourself if you do not progress as planned. Sometimes, you will have to dust yourself off, go to sleep, and start over the next day.

There is a lot more than our parents contribute to the person we are and most may be involuntary and even go by without being detected if you do not think about it. It is from inheriting the passion from their favorite hobbies to choosing a partner who reminds or resembles them, it is all possible.

Ever wonder how men are prone to marry ladies that have similarities with their mothers? Well, it is not just this way that your choice of partner may be influenced by your parents.

From the moment we are born, the first meaningful relationships we make are with our caregivers, be it birth parents, adoptive parents, guardians, or any other who took care of us while growing up. All these can leave different ways that you view yourself.

If you have heard of “daddy issues” then you know what I mean. This makes sense especially for women because they learn how to relate to the opposite gender from their fathers, and hence why they tend to re-enact the relationship patterns they learned from their dads or father figures.

If a lady was the caretaker to their dad, they might find themselves excessively caretaking their partner in the relationship all while feeling exhausted or resentful as a result which does not help the relationship grow.

A girl who has always been disappointed by her father will project it onto her partner.

It is a little crazy that most of us still think that ‘daddy issues’ are only projected by girls. I myself did not pay much attention to this until one day I came across a video on social media, a clip from a movie I absolutely do not remember.

The video was basically a guy explaining in a comic way the reason a normal looking guy would flip out over a simple thing and start insulting themselves over it.

This whole process the guy is unconsciously talking to himself the same way his father would without knowing it and most of the time he projects this behaviour onto his partner.

Depending on the type of father you had or have; the Emotionally Unavailable Father, abusive and violent, pampering and indulging Father, toxic and controlling Father, ruined and Dependent or the anguished and distressed Father.

You can project a different daddy issue; Anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, or fearful-avoidant.

Unfortunately just about anyone can have these issues, it only takes a person to bring their childhood paternal baggage into adulthood.

Humans have the tendency to get in relationships or marry just exactly who their parents were, sadly this is not limited to the ones who had stable happy families because even people who have strained relationships with their parents look for that familiarity in their partner.

For those lucky enough to have grown up with positive paternal patterns, then it is very beneficial to their choice of partners and what course their couple relationships can take.

Awareness is key for those who have not had the same experience. The more you can bring your triggers, behaviors, and reactions into conscious awareness, the freer you can be from your past. It is never too late to work on yourself and give yourself a chance to accept that you are worth more than the shortcomings of your paternal figure.

If you were smart, you held your tongue and took your punishment gracefully because being alive meant more to you than winning an argument. Unless you were feeling especially lucky and you didn’t fight that urge and you let that response out. Although, the fact that you’re here in one piece reading this means you were smarter than that.

What your parents were scolding you about was peer pressure. Something they repeatedly warned you to watch out for and steer clear from. If you were anything like me, you only had a vague idea of what peer pressure is from what your parents told you and to some extent the definition they gave you was right.

They may have told you something along the lines of, “It is the influence or negative voice of friends, classmates, or other people around you to do or take part in some foolish or harmful activity.“

Even though this definition isn’t wrong, it isn’t completely accurate. Therefore, it is important to understand what peer pressure really is, what causes it, and when we should and should not give in to it.

So what causes peer pressure? The Miriam Webster dictionary defines peer pressure as a feeling that one must do the same things as other people of one’s age and social group in order to be liked or respected by them. Anyone falling under the influence of peer pressure might be of a timid demeanour, hoping to better their treatment from a certain person or people.

Peer pressure is predominantly seen in youth between the ages of twelve and nineteen but can be observed in people both above and below that age range.

The main participants in a peer pressure cycle are an influencer and the compliant.

The an influencer is the one coaxing toward a particular action. This role could also fall on a group as a whole if there is no designated leader or if all members are in agreement with the leader’s instruction. On the other end is the complaint, who might be trying to join the group, seeking acceptance, or trying to gain respect.

There are several different ways the influencer could instill pressure on a complaint such as: Spoken peer pressure where the influencer asks, suggests, persuades or even directs the complaint to engage in specific behaviour.

Unspoken peer pressure where the complaint is exposed to the actions of one or more peers and is left to choose whether they want to follow along. This could be participating in fashion choices, personal interactions or ‘joining’ types of social groups such as clubs, cliques, teams, etc.

Direct peer pressure which is normally behaviour-centred, meaning it is often more dependent on the suggestive actions of the influencer and the decision of the complaint that immediately follows.

Examples of direct peer pressure would be when a person hands another an alcoholic drink, or makes a sexual advance, or looks at another student’s paper during a test.

The underling is put in a position of having to make an on-the-spot decision. Indirect peer pressure which bears similarity to unspoken peer pressure. Indirect peer pressure is subtle but can still exert a strong influence on an impressionable youth.

An example of indirect peer pressure would be when the complaint overhears a friend gossiping about another person and then acts in response to the gossip.

What’s important to note is that all these forms of peer pressure can be used both negatively and positively. Enforcing negative peer pressure could be asking a colleague to engage in behaviour that is against their moral code or values and taking advantage of their simply wanting acceptance.

On the other hand, positive peer pressure would be using any of the different methods mentioned earlier to promote behaviours that are healthy, age-appropriate,
socially acceptable, and that uplift all those that participate.

We all fall on one side or the other on the train of influence. At some point, in some of your social circles, you are the influencer, while in some cases, you are the compliant. While neither is bad, your actions in these positions of influence are what make the difference. As the influencer, are you pushing those around you to destructive or uplifting behaviour?

As a complaint, just how far are you willing to go to be accepted by those around you? Are you prepared to say no to the things you know aren’t right even if it means losing the ‘respect’ of those around you?

The answers to all those questions are completely up to you.

A while later I found he is the same guy, my friends had been talking about trolling people on Twitter.

How is it possible that such a sweet guy who looked innocent enough could be one of the best trollers of my generation?

I felt a little weirded out but then again disappointed in myself because this should have been the last thing to surprise me.

Most people change their whole attitude on their social media. I realized that he is not the only one doing this, I myself become a whole new creation on my social media not because I am trolling but as to how happy my pictures are.

I do not intend on faking my happiness, but I personally do not believe in sharing my sorrows on social media, on direct message sure, it can be a good conversation.

But surely not a whole post about my heartaches, being sick or dead because I don’t believe anyone should be that close to me on these sites.

With this in mind, it really helped me understand this guy more. I have always been a curious person, so I still had to talk to him to understand his reason.

When he invited me for lunch for the following week, I knew this was my opportunity to get my answers.

Immediately after we sat, all I could do was stare at him every movement, every word just to see if I had missed something in our previous conversations but nothing.

I tried to ease my questions in the conversations, trying my best not to sound offensive or judgmental to which he simply laughed because I was clearly being too careful.

He gave me a typical answer, explaining that his social person does not ever have to meet with him in-real life persona.

This, to be truly honest, sounded a little psychopathic to me, how do you in all consciousness split your personality into two as though you are not one person?

This sounded like a classic ‘Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality Disorder). This disorder allows a person to have one or more identities.

From here on all I could was to see him as Roger, to anyone who has watched ‘American dad’. Roger is the alien who has more than one identities, depending on who he wants, he changes his outfit, hairstyle, family and background to fit in with his new environment. So, that’s all I could this in this guy.

It took a conversation with my friend Athenea, who coincidentally happens to be a psychologist to get me to make sense of the situation.

After laughing at me for a good minute, Athenea explained to me what it takes for a person to actually have multiple personalities.

The last thing the world needs is a person who is judging based on what I learnt from books and social media, because mental health is much more complicated than that.

Athenea explained that people are much more fake in real life than on social media because most try their level best to fit in the environment they are in, with the people and handle situations how society expects them to.

A person behind a screen is more real in a sense that he/she is behind a screen, with most times a fake name but their most true self in the open.

“I don’t think they change their personality. I think it is that they are more comfortable expressing their real personality on social media because they are protected,” she explained.

Athenea said that it is also possible for a person to portray a fake attitude both in the real world and on social media, even lose themselves in this switch and forget who they really are.

Fear of rejection, fear of being judged and fear of vulnerability can contribute to an individual hiding who they are from the world and even possibly never discovering who they are.

In this case, a person can lose friends because they are considered fake, they can as well lose themselves, develop distrust, have self betrayal since they feel they only have to please others while ignoring their own needs.

In addition to that, this individual can experience paranoia symptoms, unhappiness, depression, anxiety, become bipolar, borderline personality disorder and more.

When I asked her if a person being aware that this is their situation has a chance to regain themselves, she answered: “Absolutely, with therapy, insight, mindfulness, commitment to being authentic and a willingness to face their fears.”

Athenea says that through these and suggestions, they are mostly likely going to get in therapy, this person can become their very best version.

Ivan Nkusi also known as Yivani started using social media in 2016 for the same reasons everyone else was; posting pictures, interacting with friends and simply scrolling through the explore page.

Until 2019 when he decided to get serious about his artistry and started posting and sharing his music on his socials, and started getting feedback from people all around the world.

“I was getting texts from people in Ghana, Nigeria and Tahiti who loved my music,” said Nkusi.

As he explained, this made him see social media in a positive light, particularly when it came to his music because it had given him exposure.

He continues to say that through social media, he would get booked to do gigs.

“Social media has ups and downs, one day your post gets a lot of likes and people are sharing it all over and other days you feel invisible. This rollercoaster ended in me deleting my accounts and now I’m starting from scratch,” said Nkusi.

Social media have become a tool for different people in different careers to reach a wide range of people from all over the world allowing them to develop and grow as people and professionals.

People’s influence on others earns them success, money and fame but once the likes and followers stop, their social media world slowly crumbles.

On different social media platforms, people, particularly young people are building their profiles and careers and earning money.

Rising artistes are releasing their work on different platforms and making it big, doctors are sharing their expertise.

The birth of dating apps connecting people from all over the world for romantic relationships, online dating and long distance relationships were made possible.

Young girls and boys are getting paid for creating content and advertising for different brands.

But like what happened to Nkusi, it is possible that as you watch your success hit its peak, you can also watch it drop and hit the ground hard.

It is not easy to see what you built for so long get destroyed so easily but this is the con of social media.

Today, you are the talk of the town, tomorrow you are only yesterday’s news. There is a pressure to create something new, to be the first at something not the best but the very first.

Depression for not getting enough likes, stressing over the verified tick on your social media, allowing yourself to only be validated by people who most likely don’t know you or even care for you.

The pressure to stay in character once the camera starts rolling or live a life that they cannot afford. Children are now being raised on social platforms and being exposed to different situations before they are mature.

A lot of people have forgotten how to make emotional connections, emojis have been made a new language, people are openly hurtful to each other.

Yes, social media is a good weapon but the knife is also dangerous depending on where it is facing.

A person on the other end of a screen going through their comments and gaining body issues and another who is getting body positivity messages will see social media differently.

Having a space to freely advocate for changes we wish to see in our environment, starting with our planet on climate change and teaching or learning about different things in the world from the comfort of your couch at home, is what social media should be about.

The event was held to raise awareness of human rights and peace among citizens to prevent the recurrence of tragedy and maintain peace in line with the current situation in Rwanda, where various efforts have been made for inter-ethnic reconciliation and national development since the 1994 Genocide against the Tutsi.

Under the theme of national development through institutionalization of peace, HWPL proposed three concepts: “Right to Peace,” peace as a permanent condition from violence or threat, “Peace and development” as the correlation between conflict and economic performance, and “the need to institutionalize peace” through regular peace activities.

As an example of Rwanda’s institutionalization to overcome ethnic divisions, Albert Rutikanga, the founder and executive director of PeaceEdu Initiative Rwanda explained “The Goals of the Gacaca court and Effect” as a case of a traditional community court system that aims at restoring the social structure.

Dr. Eric Ndushabandi, director of the Institute of Research and Dialogue for Peace (IRDP), added, “We should ensure that we adopt an inclusive governance system that allows all social categories to participate in public matters. National identity consciousness must not be taught as an ideology, it must respond to concrete issues of human, inclusiveness at the point where citizens feel more secure by being identified as Rwandans and not recognized by their ethnicity, Hutu or Tutsi.”

Starting with the Human Rights Webinar, HWPL will carry out peace activities to promote peace in Rwanda. In this year, HWPL will propose an education project for schools with the handbook of the Declaration of Peace and Cessation of War (DPCW) which is proclaimed to achieve global peace with cessation of war. And will receive signatures for supporting DPCW from political and legal workers to make it an institutionalization of peace.